CHICAGO! SPARTAN RACE! ENTER LORD PUDDINGSWORTH! PACKAGES!

Well, I've heard insanity, by definition, is if you fail at something the first time, to do it again and expect different results.  Or to put on a long blonde wig, wear a luxiorious mink coat, rob graves by day for food,  live in the sewers by night, and call yourself "Lord Malcom Puddingsworth."

Chicago has become something of an annual trip for me.  This will be the end of the trilogy if it doesn't come out special.  Made the trip two years ago and came out enough of a loser to put me in a grouchy mood for three days.  Last year, broke even despite being ahead $3k going into the main event, where I learned what the only feeling worse than busting out of the main event was.  Since the main event format changed into a "one rebuy" format, that educated me on what was worse than busting out once.  Which put me exactly even on that trip.  Grrrr.  So Chicago still owes me a little money over the past two years.  And I'm off to get it with interest.

The funny thing is over all I have NO desire to go to Chicago.  More accurately, Hammond, Indiana right across the border.  Whiiiiiiiich is right next to Gary, Indiana...where, as George Carlin would have said, the econimically disadvantaged live in substandard housing and have a negative income cash flow.  And they are very, very eager to kill you.  But it's not the Garyans and their murderous ways that get to me.

Chicago is just...not my kind of town.  Can't describe it.  The midwest is too...ordinary?  Milquetoast?  Polite?  Sterile?  It's filled with such an obscene amount of bland, polite conversation from the sub-Canadians that within two or three days, I'm YEARNING to get back to the dirty South.  Or to do something offensive to someone.  Anyone.

I have lots of obscure theories.  Chicago and New Orleans are both known for their corruption.  New Orleans politicians got away with it forever because of the lack of education and the populace desiring entertainment above results.  Chicago politicians got away with it because of the overall desire of midwesterners to please everyone in some socialistic utilitarian fashion and not speak to badly about awful people, even if they are in charge. 

It's an imperfect theory, and I'm working on it, but I'd prefer living down South.
It's definitely a clean city.  Unlike native New Orleans.  Maybe I just can't adapt.  I can even remember the homeless peorple in the Chicago area trying to scrap together a few bucks by selling at red lights...wait for it....wait for it...

Towels!!!  Still haven't connected the dots on that one.  Every red light around the suburbs.  Homeless people selling towels. 

If I don't come out ahead this trip...I may be scrapping for a piece of red light turf...

Anyway by nightfall Wednesday, Monkey, Claudia Crawford, and Barth Melius and I will be hunkered down, ready to rumble bright and early Thursday. 

So, check out this video.  Unless you're reading it at night.  In which case you'll be so motivated to get seriously fit, cure all major diseases, including polio, and become so financially independent you won't get to sleep tonight...










Okay.  So, long story short, they cured Polio.

Yaaaayyyyy!!!!!

Short story long, I'm training to run this event with a few hip movitated friends Matt Beard, Leigh Ann Hunter and Lilian Perez and a few others on November 10 in Perkinson, Mississippi. Our team name? The Ultra-Violent Bath Salt Zombies. A name just in time for Halloween!  Anyone else who is psychotic enough to run on our team with us is welcome to join.  This race is crazy.  So call me, maybe.

So I get to look forward to training hard on the shores of Lake Michigan for the next two weeks or so.  Long runs, sprints, pushups, burpees in the cold weather.  Aaaaaahhhhh!!!!!

That's probably what one might consider a healthy, successful lifestyle.  But I believe in balance in all areas of life...so

I've decided, in the interest of balancing out this healthy, positive person I will be by day, to let loose with "Lord Puddingsworth" during my casino time.  I'm afraid I can't get into who or what exactly Lord Puddingsworth is.  Let's just say he is enough of a remarkably repugnant character to irritate the midwesterners into making financially criminal decisions at the poker table.  Decisions of there's I should profit nicely from.   I'll be stretching out the Halloween freak show all month.  We should have video of this entity by the weekend here or on Youtube.  Stay tuned.

Some of you, before I even announced my trip to Chicago texted me or PM'd me asking about staking me, which I always take as a nice gesture of confidence in me.  Or pure, unadulterated greed on your parts. 

Don't really care to too "sell myself" too much, but just in the interest on lowering my variance, and lessening my buy-ins, I'm doing it again for no markup.  That's the way Lord Puddingsworth rolls.

So I'll only play those events with backer money where I don't have to worry about overlapping days one and two of seperate events in this series

So I'll play six events --1, 2,4, 6, 7, and 10 (the main) --with some backers' money and mostly my own.   All other events will be exclusively mine.  Total buy-ins for those events is $3930 (365 + 580 + 365 + 580 + 365 + 1675).  So let's say an even $40 gets you an exact 1% of all my action in those six events.  And I won't sell more than 35% of myself in these events.

So....the math couldn't be more simple.  Whatever I make...you get 1% of it...if you wish to own a piece of Lord Puddingsworth.  I never charge "markup."  I'm just kind of dumb like that.

Time to get ready for this venture to the Windy City!  Maybe I actually am looking forward to it!  Always great to get away...

Lastly, I want to give my roommate Rachel in the "back" of Chateau Landry my condolences for the loss of her father Rex, who, some of you may remember, was our dealer in the first annual World's Undisputed Poker World Champion of the World Championship back in July.  Rex managed to play while dealing to a really rambunctious bunch of individuals, and somehow, in all the hysteria and confusion, still managed to come in third.  That's a lot to think about at once, and he did an amazing job, having worked as a poker dealer for many years here in the Gulf Coast.  I know it's Rachel's first big loss in her life, and the most meaningful person in the world to her.  Hope she isn't upset I didn't attend her dad's services but I think she understands I'm "funeralled out" after the past couple of years.  Just couldn't take another service.  She's been through enough even before this and I'm proud of her how she keeps rolling with the punches somehow.  She's a tough kid, and what else can I say other than things will start getting better for her.  They will.  They always do. 

Look forward to talking to you guys soon!!!

Lord Puddingsworth

Today's blog was brought to you by Amazon. For the record, I have not read this book. But I hear all the guys are reading it. And if that's the case, I have no problem trying to make 13 cents from anyone clicking the above banner and purchasing the sequel to the bestseller. Actually, truth be told, it's a book for girls, so supposedly there's lots of recipes in there. So, click on the above banner, ladies, make me 13 cents, and learn a good smothered pork dish! Yum!

SOMETHING NEW

To all of you who are rightfully complaining that I have not done anything for a long while; you are correct.

This ends this coming week as I take off to Chicago to unveil my new entity -- sprung forth from the chrysallis of madness.

This coming week I shall unleash upon the Windy City...

Lord Sebastian Willoughby Puddingsworth XIII.

Stay tuned, mortals.

RESULTS FROM OUR PRELIMINARY SATELLITE FOR THE HUBCAP!!!

Ok, Loyal Voyeurs,

Here we are.  My first attempt at making an iMovie on my Mac...the idea occured to me that I might want to start shooting some footage on my phone as we got down to our final four players in the preliminary satellite for my World's Undisputed World Poker Champion of the World Championship-- Brawl for the Junkyard Hubcap 2012.  The only free-to-enter homegame on the planet with a trophy that dwarfs the Stanley Cup.

So I shot some footage on grainy Super 8 film settings (a cool app, complete with skipping film effect) to give the movie a seedy 70's feel, and some footage on regular setting.  I feel pretty fond of my musical score.  I only wish I had shot more footage!

It's amazing what you can do with a just phone and a laptop these days.

Anyway, congratulations to Tim Barnes, who obviously felt that coming in first warranted excess celebration, even though Dustin Stewart and Rex Davis got an equal seat at the final table in two weeks.  I'm not sure, but I think some people were drinking.

Running a parallel storyline to the inferior poker event going on right now in Las Vegas, known as the "World Series of Poker," Melissa Parker, obviously a female, bubbled the event, just like the females in the WSOP main event -- just missing the final table.  However Melissa has two more shots, just like anyone else, as we will run two more satellites before our championship for the Kaiser trophy on July 29.

Again, if you want in, PM me, and let's all try to make the tournament on time this week, children!

WUPWCW tourney UPDATE

Allright, guys, looks like we're going to be doing only an 8 pm tourney tonight.  Bring lots of booze.  As a reminder this is a preliminary run.  Winners will move on to the final round for the trophy SUNDAY July 29.  There will be 9 winners making the final table.

I must mention that this is a FREE tournament for the hubcap trophy.  No cash involved.  Whatever you guys do outside of here is your own business...

Looks like further good news has just arrived as well!  The owners of http://www.gulfcoastpoker.net/ will be sponsoring our Sunday, July 29 WUPWCW CHAMPIONSHIP FINAL TABLE, giving away a hoodie and a hat and who knows what else as the trophy is presented.

Jennifer Gay of Poker News has volunteered to be writing a feature article about our players and doing a live internet news update stream direct from my living room.  Yes.  That's right.

Any moment now I'm waiting for a jewelry store to sponsor the trophy by embossing it with diamonds.  Let's wait and see.

Let the brawl for the hubcap begin!!!

"WORLD'S UNDISPUTED POKER WORLD CHAMPION OF THE WORLD" TROPHY UNVEILED!!!

Not to be outdone by the billion dollar WSOP and WPT, I have created the
single greatest trophy in sports history.  Read on, punk.

First off, I'd like to welcome everyone to this blog once again, my regular readers, newcomers, and members of the media.

Today, as you know, is a special day for poker.  It appears that this Sunday will be the day the greatest trophy in the sports world will be put into action.  This Sunday evening (or possibly the next), in my living room, if all plans fall into place, the first annual "Kai Landry Invitational Brawl for the Junkyard Hubcap Deciding the World's Undisputed Poker World Champion of the World Trophy" will be awarded  to, well, quite simply, the world's undisputed poker world champion of the world. 

Right here, right now.

 

This, ladies and gentlemen, is the largest and grandest trophy in all of professional sports.

Forget the WSOP main event going on right now in Las Vegas with their $10,000 buy in and "world championship bracelet."  The fact of the matter is that if you win, there's still 40 or so other guys with a main event bracelet just like yours, and a few thousand people with some WSOP bracelet or EPT bracelet or whatever.  Then there's all the championship poker rings, which are, for the most part less prestegious than a bracelet no matter how much more money you've possibly won with a ring than a bracelet (which happens every now and then).  Enough with the jewelry.  It's just not BIG.  And I think nothing says CHAMPIONSHIP like BIG.

Or maybe this is just me crying "sour grapes" and trying to create my own reality since this is the first year in four years I've not played in the WSOP in the dry, crippling Las Vegas heat taking a shot at a bracelet.  I just simply could not make it out this year.  Sigh.  Looking at WSOP.com day after day after day on my computer screen, seeing all the familiar names, knowing all the intimate idiosyncracies on each competitor's play, knowing I could maybe, just maybe this year snag that elusive bracelet...

And as I write this I see that my Biloxi friend Claudia Crawford has sadly busted out of the main, and that only 281 people stand between my good friend Will Souther and poker immortality ($8.5 million).   Day 5 of the WSOP is today (Saturday) and with any luck we'll be watching him in my living room Sunday night on ESPN as we play our consolidation event...or as I'll stubbornly call it, "the real event."  By the way, Monkey, nice year to run like a Kenyan when I don't own 40% of you like last year!  UGH!!!

The truth is I've been MISERABLE not getting to see my Vegas friends this year, and jealous of those who DID get to go.  And I've learned with a bit of maturity that any form of jealousy is ultimately a form of selfishness.  The only way to cure jealousy is to do something completely unselfish for others.  And what can I say...because to cure it, I have now personally forged the greatest trophy in professional sports known to man, and given freely to one lucky person - the winner of my home tournament.  The trophy will be unveiled to you all very shortly.

Now on to the tournament this Sunday.  Hell, I'm not even sure how to proceed with it.  I'll be dealing and not playing, but due to people's fickle nature, I'm never sure who's going to show up.  This is an invitation only event, but if you are interested in playing, private message me.  I cannot promise everyone a seat and Sunday may be just a preliminary event.  I have a certain number of people in mind, but we will see how much interest I get throughout the day and I will decide how to procede from there.

You want to see the trophy don't you?  I know you do.  It's killing you. 

Just hold on for a moment as we take a trip down inferior trophy lane, representing all major championship trophies in the major sports, starting with...

#1: The Lombardi trophy.  Arguably the most sought after trophy in sports.  22 inches high, and only 7 pounds.  With a little creativity, you could maybe shoplift one in a big enough overcoat and someone causing a distraction.  Nice shiny Tiffany crystal, but gets full of fingerprints and never looks nice.  Actually, kind of plain.

I always forget who won this event, So I often ask my friends in Atlanta to help me remember...

#2:  WSOP bracelets and the HORSE trophy.

Chip Reese's honorary trophy stands a Lombardi-like 21 inches high.  It sports some weight though at 60 pounds.  I give this trophy pretty high marks, but it's not even HALF the size of the new great trophy.  The WSOP bracelet?  We've already covered this topic, but additionally, what poker player wants to wear a bracelet that looks like it was designed in Liberace's most fantastic dreams while Sigfried magically shot diamonds out of his fingertips perfectly into the gold housing?  Again, yes this is me being all "sour grapes," but you have to admit I'm right here...

#3:  The NBA trophy.

Just UGLY.  Makes me want to puke. Everywhere.  For two or three hours.  Until even my bile supply is totally depleted.  They should give this trophy to the losing team.  Who, should try to mop up my puke with the trophy.  Until it gets done and the floor is SPOTLESS.

#4.  the Comissioner's Trophy (baseball)

Ok.  You've seen it. Next.  (It has no real competitive value when one team is allowed to pretty much buy almost all of them year after year after year).

#5   The Stanley Cup. 

Now we're talking!  A trophy to be respected!

Full Stanley Cup: Height - 89.54 cm / 35-1/4 inchesWeight - 34-1/2 lbs - 15-1/2 kg

If it's dimensions weren't initially identified by the metric system I could give it more respect.  In the United States, we don't use the metric system, chief.  Damn nice trophy though!  In fact, it earns a strong second place in the world of trophies.  Shiny, engraved with the names of former winners (classy), and it looks like you could kill someone with it if you tried hard enough (always a plus).  But it's JUST NOT BIG ENOUGH!!!!!!!

#6  lastly and sadly -- The BCS Crystal trophy.

Look.  It's a great piece, looks first class, but the damn thing is slippery as hell, clearly giving an advantage to the worst team last year (Alabama).  It's major flaw is that it causes a handicap for the clearly superior team from time to time, as it did last year.  That's my story, and I'm sticking to it.

But now the moment you've all been waiting for.  This next trophy was forged in rust, blood, sweat and tears.  It is more sacred in it's amazing craftsmanship and more revered, precious and valuable than a Stradivarius wrapped in the Shroud of Turin.

In fact, it's not even fair to compare this trophy to other trophies.  It only makes sense to put this glorious piece of craftsmanship in the same discussion with holy relics such as the Ark of the Covenant.  Does my trophy have otherworldly powers, and can it melt the faces of your enemies?  I don't know yet.  It's only been on the Earth for a couple of days now.  Winner beware.

LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, I GIVE YOU:  THE KAISER

A genuine Vancleve, Misissippi junkyard hubcap surrounded by four winged eagles bowing towards each other.   The rusted hubcap is placed upon a sturdy, majestic four column trophy base with really cool stars shooting up out of the middle and stuff.  The trophy stands a towering 46" high. 





A sexy profile shot.  Respect.



The Kaiser rusted hubcap trophy dwarfs a stardard WPT event crystal trophy and almost takes up the entire table.  It could eat that little trophy it if it were hungry.

As you know, the inscriber kind of got it a little bit wrong (it should have read "Worlds undisputed world poker champion of the world), but we will fix that when we also add the name of the event's winner and date at it's base after this Sunday.  But let's face it.  If the WSOP and the WPT and any other league can claim to have THE world champion...so can I.  So if you win this trophy, you are the poker champion of the world.







It has a rusted out fleur-de-lis, so you know it's a classy item, baby!





I will decide by the end of tonight how to proceed with Sunday's tournament.  It would be fun to deal to you guys as you "brawl it out" as all we watch the WSOP finals on TV this Sunday. If it will just be a preliminary, or with enough interest, we'll keep entrants going for a few weeks.  If you're interested, chances are I will let you play.  But I can't promise you. 

Message me if you want to play this Sunday (it's free), and good luck!   I'd love to deal to you and watch you win this thing!  May the hubcap be with you!

Kai

P.S. In a nutshell, the hubcap trophy, as we're playing each other and watching the WSOP main event wind down on TV, is a "festivus for the rest of us."  A trophy for those of us who couldn't make it to the big show this year.

P.P.S.  You might be asking yourself right about now, "Why a rusty old hubcap?..."

No day 3 for me in the main event.

Just 96 more people to fade in a ginormous event, but me having AK and 7 laps of chips left and the other guy having AA and a fat stack meant it was just not my day. 

I will resist all temptation to post here the emotiocon of a colon followed by an opening parenthesis.

That or the F word.

saturdae

cinse thee blogs are getting smaler i feel like their getting dummer.  i made dae too.  30000 in chips.  i re start at too oklok.

Doing the MAIN at 7pm today.

Almost finished a proper blog this morning but the hotel kicked me out, mentioning something about a "check out time" clause. Seems they think they own the place. Whatever. Going in 7pm well rested and fully ridiculous. Ready to start the main event at Harrah's.

MONDAY!!!!

Nothing happened.  Going to play cash and savor a concoction known as "alcohol."

Will play fourth $355 tomorrow or Wednesday.

Fascinating, no?

Sunday report

How shall I put this, backers?  We are now 0/2.  Made it to dinner break in today's $355, then played for an hour or so past that, when soon thereafter my "tens" ran into someone's usually impenetrable brick wall known as "Aces," at which time the balance of my chips hit the "zero mark."  60 people away from the money.  Not even nearly close enough.  345 people or so started this one.  It happens. Three shots left to get you...something.  Something above what you've invested.  So far each shareholder is now $7 in the hole!  Oh the high drama!!!! ;)

May not play tomorrow unless I can get this hotel situation squared away nicely.  If I am to once again begin lining up those damn dominoes again at noon, starting all over again from "domino one" and hope I can line them all up and keep them growing until 2am without any major domino destruction train, I want to make sure I'm doing it on a good night of rest.  Maybe a house of cards would have been a better analogy here.  I don't know.  Nah.  Too un-clever.  Anyway, it's late.  Do feel like I'm playing better every day.  Truly razor sharp at some moments.  Let's see if that can start counting for something sometime soon.

But yeah, I need a room down there in NOLA.  This drive back to Biloxi isn't that far, but, then again, it's still three hours a day, and it eats up poker reading time -- keeping my brain just right.  Sorry, roommate.  You'll have to enjoy stately Landry Manor all to yourself this week...again.

Besides all that, I've been harvesting many ridiculous stories to be properly blogged once it's time for all that.  Much entertainment on the way.  But for now, sleep, wake up, read poker, play poker.

Goodnight. 

I'll keep updates coming.  If you see me giving updates on FB tomorrow, then yes, that is your money in play.

K

Saturday

Not much to report.  Played the $565 (first with backers $).  Did not make day 2.  Blah.  Will make it in to Harrah's tomorrow for second backer event (the $355).  Blah.

Teeny tiny update

Backers, it appears the first event I will (hopefully) be able to play will be the Saturday $565 (event #2) as long as I can get there by 1pm.  I will play this event (again, hopefully) in lieu of one of the $355 events in the package. This is of a small benefit to you meaning your "vig" has been cut in half to only $2.70 per share while most likely increasing the prize pool just a hair more for you as well.  The best deal in poker just got a little bit better.  I'll then play three more "$355s" and the $1,600 main with the moneys from this fund.  If you haven't paid, you betta step up, before play starts, yo!  ;)

Again the blog below shows those who have already paid.  Let me know if there are any errors or whatever.
Anyway, hope you are all doing freaking amazing today, and if you're already at Harrah's today or Friday, feel free to give Senor Monkey your share $$$, which he will dutifully pass on to me.  Unless he steals it, or orders too many Red Snappers and tips incredibly liberally.  Thanks again, and I'll probably update again tomorrow.

BSLL,

K

KaiShares SOLD OUT

Well, well, well.  Not a bad run for 24 hours.

Hoped to pick up 35 mini-backers by the end of the week of 1% of my action in five events in New Orleans (including the main)...and those shares sold out in just under 24 hours.  As of now, I'm actually a little bit oversold.  Not quite as bad as, say, Delta airlines.  But, depending on who is able to pay, I figure by the end of the week, I may have sold 50% of my action.  Will absolutely not sell more than that though!  I still think that would leave me with ten more shares or so I may be willing to sell.  So if you're still interested, I may have a few left I can sell you.

Of course, a great scheme would be to oversell way past 100% of myself, deliberately lose, and pocket the remaining money (a la The Producers).   Ahhhhh....such easy money if only I were a criminal.  Unfortunately for me, I'm listing all of you shareholders down at the end of this blog; as well as the number of shares you bought.  And I'll be invested in myself at least 50%.

But being oversold isn't quite the problem it appears due to nature of the beast being that some of you will just simply forget to pay before I get started.  No problem immediately, but more on that later.

I think you guys really liked my sales format.  Buying just one percent of a player in several tournaments kind of raises your hopes for a return, as opposed to buying just 5% of someone in the main.  And I think it was such a small amount ($35) that it's more of a fun sweat than anything...a "sweat" that gets stretched out over several days.  Ideally, I could have sold you all 1% of my action in TEN events, but in this short of a series, that's just not feasable.  There's ways around it, but if you start making enough "Day 2s," then it gets complicated, as to how to refund money in events you couldn't play in. 

Not to mention that over the course of ten tournaments, you get a much better liklihood of a return, with a more fair sample size and all.  But we're gonna try do it in five, damnit!!!

Most of all what I aimed to do here was to get some of my readers involved, which was a little more interactive and enjoyable.  Hearing from a few (essentially anonymous) people who read my blog (and never leave comments, cough cough) and wanted to buy a piece... or even didn't... was satisfying.  Getting interaction from those who enjoy my blog, or crossover readers from Monkey's blog (and sports pools) adds another  entertaining dynamic to it.  I even have a couple of people backing me who don't even play poker, but want to have something to gamble on/ root for. Cool!

In fact, I believe I'm the only guy going into New Orleans, or any circuit event this year with fifteen backers.  HA!  I just hope that's not fifteen people to give the "sorry shrug" to at the end of this thing.  Hopefully, I get you at least something a little bit above your $35 investment.

Even got a little more educated on this journey.  I've never been backed, outside of save/swaps.  And I think the only people I've personally ever backed, ever, was Monkey once, a dealer from the Beau Rivage once, and David Nicholson once.  Nice non-cash, Nicholson!!!  ;)

So when Matthew Stroud starts asking me about my markup and my ITM rate...I'm literally like "huh???"

After he explained "in the money" rate to me, all I could remember was my ITM in the mains.  You always remember your main events.  I've played ten mains and cashed in 4 ( 1st, a 2d, a 22d and a 24th).  I'm sure my ITM in regular events isn't nearly as good as 40% because main events are actually so much easier, as many of you know.  I'm also certain my ITM, whatever it is, would be higher if I didn't "swing for the fence" so much.  But I like bling and swing hard for it.

Anyway, here's how the KaiShare backer list stands now.

FINAL LIST.


Barth Melius (10) paid
Michael Kmetz (5) paid
Jose Vasquez (2) paid
Matthew Stroud (5) paid
Kristin Deerdorf (1) paid
Michael Schneider (2) paid
Kiki Chase (1) paid
"a reader: 'Angry F****n' Robert' of far Northeast Mississippi"  (10) paid
Dan Walsh (2) paid
Eric Cochran (2) paid
Steve Fernandez (3) paid
Corey Souther (3) paid
Mark Shreve (1) paid
Yvonne "Duvernet Parish" Carlisle (2) paid
Clay Dedeaux (5) paid
Jimmy Dotson (1)  paid

This is for (4) $355 events and (1) main event.  IF you send money via PayPal, be sure to go to "send money" --> to --> amount -->  then hit the "personal tab" instead of purchase.  It should spare us any PayPal fees.  Just please try to pay before play begins for me so there's no confusion.  I'll have a final tally of who's in/ out before my first tournament.

Lastly, I may not be able to start on Thursday or Friday due to the very recent passing of my favorite uncle.  I am very honored that he requested me to be one of his pallbearers at his service on Saturday.  So, not quite the place for this news at all, however I will simply and briefly say that he will be incredibly missed by us all.  He was fortunate to live a long, rich life with kids, grandkids and great grandkids.  Hopefully, we'll all be that lucky in our personal lives.  We're still waiting to hear the details of his services, and this will determine on what day I can begin play.  Possibly Thursday or Friday, most likely Sunday.  Will let you all know.  Thanks.

K

KaiShares AVAILABLE ONCE AGAIN! BE A 1%ER!

Be in the 1 percent!  Don't be a 99%er!

So, the New Orleans WSOP-C is right around the corner, and yours truly is looking gleefully towards it.  Hungry for final tables, more cash, more rings, more blood, more victories.

Hungry.

However you add it up, roughly thirteen days of poker in the Crescent City.

And I've decided to open up my services to the general public.  Just a little bit.  Quite simply put, it's the best deal in poker. 

Let's call it "OPERATION: OCCUPY KAI'S PANTS."

Can you imagine the smell of these "99%ers?" Ughhh!

One percent at a time.

This is a limited time offer.  (drumroll)

$35 buys you 1 percent of Kai's action in the WSOP-C New Orleans May 10-21, 2012..  This will be for 1% of ALL my action in (4) $355 events and one $1600 main event. 

For those of you who are skilled in the art of mathematics, you will notice that this earns me a whopping $5 profit for each shareholder.  Since the buy in for all these (five) events adds up to $3,020 and I'm charging $35 for each 1% share. 

Essentially, in these five events, I'm looking to play with $1,795 of my own money and $1,225 of KaiShare holders money (35 shares at $35 each).

"I am a 1%er!!!"  Yes, friends, that can be your chant to the unbathed, quasi-militant, malcontent, dusgruntled Jacobin mutant-comrades and their zombie like quest for "free love."



This angry mob is protesting that
"KaiShares is too good of a deal!!!"



Say it loud and say it proud to the 99%ers as you adjust your monocle pompously!  "I am a winner.  And you are a loser. For I backed Kai in a 1% stake of his 2012 New Orleans WSOP series.  Behold, sir, for you live in a commune of dead ideals and live in a trailer with your eleven kids in need of orthrodontic care and a wife who looks like Tom Petty.  Go back to your 99% of dissent, sorrow, and ingratitude."

I'll now proceed with the rest of this KaiShares presentation in a question and answer forum.

Q n A forum.

I don't know about all this.  I kind of feel like gambling is a sin.

You're right, astute reader!  Gambling is a probably a sin.  Next question.

Can I buy more than one KaiShare? 

Sure you can, eager reader.  But be aware that Kai does not wish to sell more than thirty-five KaiShares for these five events in New Orleans.  I wish to play with 60% of my own money.

Hey, I looked at the WSOP-C schedule in New Orleans, and there's like twelve ring events.  How come you're only letting people buy in for four $355 events and one $1600 main event?

Good question, reader.  It's because I'm giving myself room to make a few "day twos," which overlap into the next event.  Also, I'm planning on a good run in the main, which overlaps the last two events.  To answer your next question, I'll be posting here on this blog ahead of time (probably a day ahead of time) precisely which events I'll be playing with your investment.  It's possible I may play more events with money outside of KaiShares shareholders investments but this would be posted ahead of time in this blog.  All that being said, I'll certainly be playing event #1, event #6 (the six handed max event), and the main event with KaiShare holders money, with another $355 event TBD.



Absolutely the wrong way to deal with the "burning building" problem

What happens if you win the main event?

Well what do you think happens, stupid?  You get paid 1% of that amount.  If the main event  victory is $200,000, and Kai wins it, then you get $2000.  Plus whatever I gross, if anything,  in the three smaller tourneys.

I live in Brazillian slum known as a "favela."  Sometimes father throws me out in the street to beg for spare change.  Can I buy KaiShare for cheaper?

No.  Hard work breeds character.  Maybe sell some pencils.  Don't be a hippie and beg.  Maybe learn ultimate fighting skills and get out of the ghetto.  Isn't that what you Brazilians do?  Or become trannys?  Look, I'm getting off track here...it's only a $35 investment and even you international people can pay through PayPal.  Just do a person to person transaction and there's no fee!

Oh, shit...did we just burn down Harrah's?

I've done the math on this and it looks like even if you dont cash, you'll still make $175 from your "1% backers."



Um, let's not, and you go home and occupy your bathtub, hippie.



Yep.  That's right.  Big profit.  Goodbye mortgage.  Goodbye overseas paternity lawsuit from Bangkok street walker.  Also, I can buy my way to the front of the line in the "liver recipient" list.  All the problems in my life solved.  Oh, wait, no...I'm also investing $1795 in myself for this series.  Looks like I better cash.

So, if I buy one KaiShare you would need to gross $3600 in wins for me to receive a profit, right?  But if you only gross, like, $1700 in wins I'd sitll get $17 back right?


Yes and yes.  All very simple math.  If I cash $10,000, you get $100.  If I cash $50,000, you get $500.  No makeup, no weird percentage splits, just simple 1% = 1% in these events.

What's the endgame for your hair?

That's my secret.

How can I pay you?  And why are you so awesome?

Let's just say I'm doing this for people who read my blog and want to gamble vicariously.  It's fun for everyone.  I'd like to make some readers and friends some money if I can.  If you want to play, it's $35.

Do you run good in New Orleans?

Yes.

Email me discreetly at KaiSeven@hotmail.com or at my facebook acct. before this Thursday to get in on the action.  :)   (This is also the address to send $$$ to via PayPal).

TAKE THAT, HIPPIE!  YOU SHOULDA BOUGHT A KaiShare!!!

IOWA UPDATE! PURE EXCITEMENT!!!

Nightlife!!! They call Iowa the "Miami of
Middle America."  Who knew?

Every now and then you just have a series where you can't get anything going.  For me it's about once a year.  Last year it was Chicago.  This year, it's Council Bluffs.  Started off this trip with a fizzle, and it's been a slow, monotonous fizzle-out ever since.  No bang.

I remember the first time I ever won a tournament and one of the dealers asking me, "So are you going to Council Bluffs now?"  I just looked at him quizzically.  Where the hell is that, and why on Earth would I ever want to go there?  

This rabble rouser speeds down the
hall in Council Bluffs
lookin' for trouble!  Slow down!  Let
me get a good pic,  oh elusive one!!

Sure couldn't find that spot on a map I bet!  And it didn't make any sense.  In the higher order of early human tribes, they just don't go chasing the Caribou around wherever the herd goes, nomadically.  The more evolved tribes learned to fence-in and herd in the animals and keep them on a farm.  That way, they could have nice things like houses and farms, instead of weathered teepees and tired legs.  So chasing the circuit around never made much sense.  But there's a lure to the howling whistle of the circus train off to parts of the world you've never seen I suppose.  No matter how mundane the spot the train stops at is.  Before the circuit hits New Orelans, it goes through Iowa every March/April.

Beyond poker, people keep asking me what the people are like here in the casino.  I hope my pictures in this blog paint a pretty accurate picture for you all.

But the lure (and my mistake) of smaller fields and worse players seemed to be my best shot at getting another piece of WSOP bling-bling, and I couldn't resist the idea of not being in contention for a fish-in-the barrel chipfight.  Note to self:  you were wrong.  Somehow, the fields out here have been pretty large.  In Iowa?!?  I think much larger than in New Orleans.  I know.  I can't figure that one out either.  Same great staff as always, Westside Bob, Troy the Enforcer, Boz the Shrimp, Punchdrunk Charlie and Violent Chris always run a good event.

Popsicles in Iowa make the unbearable springtime
climates of 74 degrees somehow temperate.

There are some really good players out here.  Let's call them the "sharks."  Well, essentially there are two specific groups of players out here.  There's the "sharks" and  then there are also some really, really, really....well let's be kind.  Let's just call them "Group 2."  Between the two groups, I feel like I've been tied down naked with barbed wire and spun around onto a merry-go-round all week in a hailstorm of ninja stars and pus.

Electric carpet-speeding indoor
roadsters are all the rage in Iowa!
They're zippy like Luke Skywalker's
land-speeder, but with wheels.

The "Group 2" players out here seem to play poker much like a chicken plays tic-tac-toe.  On meth.  Everything is randomly aggressive or totally passive.  They like to go all-in at totally random spots. Trying to win against them seems tantamount to having an argument with the insane.  You can't win.  You can only sit back and play A-B-C poker, which really puts a damper on your creativity itches.  Especially when you're card dead.  Then they call off their entire stacks pre-flop with hands like A-8, A-10, A-7, and wind up winning against your highly favored hands.  I know luck is bunched, but these past two weeks have been like nothing goes right.  Just two weeks?  I consider myself VERY lucky.  In fact in some ways, I'm still one of the luckiest people I know.

Potato sack races?  That's child's play, bro!
Out in "the Bluffs," it's all about
turning that "walker" into a "runner!"

These bad asses loiter and
protect their "turf."  Crips?  Bloods?
Hell no, G!  We the
Shuffleboard Mafia!!
Betta recognize, playah!

Takes over an hour to order liver
and onions, but that's just
because it's so popular!
TOTALLY WORTH THE WAIT!

Bobby "Sticks" McEvoy takes the lead!
The crowd goes wild!!!

So going into day two of the Council Bluffs Main Event tomorrow with just over half an average stack doesn't bother me that much.  I consider myself fortunate for even surviving yesterdays asylum snowcone shakeup.  I'll need a couple of double ups within the first two levels, or I'll lose any real shot of cashing this thing.  Fifteen hours back home on the road to Biloxi with Monkey's smelly feet and infected oozing facial hairs.  That should be motivation enough to make day three!

Haute Coture in "the Bluffs."  The Michael
Jackson germ-mask.  "Hoooooooo!!!"

Before I forget, big congratulations to my Mississippi boys Tim Burt and David Nicholson for chopping the PLO re-buy ring event.  I know Tim was looking for his fourth "official" ring, and David for his third.  But they'll just have to be content with second and third place today.

Of course we're all trying to catch up with the venerable Mark Smith who set records with his FIFTH ring this year.  I have to admit, I would have thought the WSOP ring record would have been higher.  But then again, winning these things is incredibly hard.  I'd also have to assume Tim will surpass five rings within a couple of years at the most.  He's too agile and experienced in every different form of poker game out there; and the right age to pull if off.  So watch your back Mark.

  

Vince Vaughn makes a celebrity appearance
in Council Bluffs, Iowa, dressed for
comfort and anonymity.

In fact, it's kind of weird that I had to wait this long and travel to Iowa to pick up on one of my Mississippi buddys' crafty tricks of success.  A defense mechanism of Tim and David's, when they're bluffing is to blow up --  puffer fish style -- to intimidate their opponents into folding.  I caught on to this just a couple of days ago.

David Nicholson usually prefers plaid,
but often sports a hoodie on days when
"puffing" at a big pot might be
necessary.

Tim Burt often sports well-starched Polo
shirts, but sometimes,  dresses for
expansion.

So, basically, not much to report here from Council Bluffs.  Just getting ready to go to bed and try to play my best tomorrow, despite my small stack.  Not the size but how you use it?  I guess I'll test that theory tomorrow.  

Oh, well there is this one story; really an ongoing series of stories about the local gas station here called "Sapp Brothers."  Monkey and I usually crash in the place right around 3 a.m., when all those living at the outer edge of society decide to get a bite to eat.  Lonely truckers with voices like Wolfman Jack.  Renegade truckers with zombie-like stares, and usually strapped with a knife and sporting a faraway, hopeless stare.  Picture the Star Wars Cantina.  But without the bouncy music.  Just replace that with the scent of desparation, loneliness, and a few mumbles of stagnant conversation and dissent.

Staring contest!!!   Aaaaaaaaand.......GO!

Sapp Brothers' gas and diner is stacked, for some reason, with an entire cornucopia of items no trucker should reasonably need or want.  LOTS and lots of dolls.  (Creepy!!!)  Exotic Samurai swords.  Fireworks.  Plumbing equipment.  The kinds of items that in no way go together.

What every trucker wants.  Southern Belle dolls to
have a tea party with.  Notice the little
doll sitting all by herself in the upper left corner.

So we couldn't help but notice Iowa's take on who wears what.  All the little dolls looked alike.  Hundreds of dolls with elegant gowns with fancy...I don't know...what do you call this stuff?  Victorian era dresses?  Southern antebellum ball gowns?  Whatever.  Well, we saw this poor little doll sitting in the back of the selection.  Like the sad little Charlie Brown Christmas tree.  The only one of her kind.  Really, Iowa?   That's how you see the world?  Seriously?!?

Rosa Who?

So, the dolls alone creep you out so much, you don't even notice the "lot lizard" activity going on at the diner counter or at the fill up tank.  Maybe that's why they're there.  As a red herring so you totally miss the horror show going on right before your eyes.  Maybe that's what the Horseshoe casino needs out here.  Some dolls spread throughout the casino so you don't notice the huddled masses of old people throwing away their retirement money.  More tales from the scandalous "Sapp Bros." later.

All right, you insatiable jackals, that's all for now.  Hope you all had a happy Easter filled with joy and...stuff.

This old person thinks he can make Michael Jackson
dance moves, but totally needs some jive ass threads.