Monday, October 8, 2012

CHICAGO! SPARTAN RACE! ENTER LORD PUDDINGSWORTH! PACKAGES!

Well, I've heard insanity, by definition, is if you fail at something the first time, to do it again and expect different results.  Or to put on a long blonde wig, wear a luxiorious mink coat, rob graves by day for food,  live in the sewers by night, and call yourself "Lord Malcom Puddingsworth."

Chicago has become something of an annual trip for me.  This will be the end of the trilogy if it doesn't come out special.  Made the trip two years ago and came out enough of a loser to put me in a grouchy mood for three days.  Last year, broke even despite being ahead $3k going into the main event, where I learned what the only feeling worse than busting out of the main event was.  Since the main event format changed into a "one rebuy" format, that educated me on what was worse than busting out once.  Which put me exactly even on that trip.  Grrrr.  So Chicago still owes me a little money over the past two years.  And I'm off to get it with interest.

The funny thing is over all I have NO desire to go to Chicago.  More accurately, Hammond, Indiana right across the border.  Whiiiiiiiich is right next to Gary, Indiana...where, as George Carlin would have said, the econimically disadvantaged live in substandard housing and have a negative income cash flow.  And they are very, very eager to kill you.  But it's not the Garyans and their murderous ways that get to me.

Chicago is just...not my kind of town.  Can't describe it.  The midwest is too...ordinary?  Milquetoast?  Polite?  Sterile?  It's filled with such an obscene amount of bland, polite conversation from the sub-Canadians that within two or three days, I'm YEARNING to get back to the dirty South.  Or to do something offensive to someone.  Anyone.

I have lots of obscure theories.  Chicago and New Orleans are both known for their corruption.  New Orleans politicians got away with it forever because of the lack of education and the populace desiring entertainment above results.  Chicago politicians got away with it because of the overall desire of midwesterners to please everyone in some socialistic utilitarian fashion and not speak to badly about awful people, even if they are in charge. 

It's an imperfect theory, and I'm working on it, but I'd prefer living down South.
It's definitely a clean city.  Unlike native New Orleans.  Maybe I just can't adapt.  I can even remember the homeless peorple in the Chicago area trying to scrap together a few bucks by selling at red lights...wait for it....wait for it...

Towels!!!  Still haven't connected the dots on that one.  Every red light around the suburbs.  Homeless people selling towels. 

If I don't come out ahead this trip...I may be scrapping for a piece of red light turf...

Anyway by nightfall Wednesday, Monkey, Claudia Crawford, and Barth Melius and I will be hunkered down, ready to rumble bright and early Thursday. 

So, check out this video.  Unless you're reading it at night.  In which case you'll be so motivated to get seriously fit, cure all major diseases, including polio, and become so financially independent you won't get to sleep tonight...










Okay.  So, long story short, they cured Polio.

Yaaaayyyyy!!!!!

Short story long, I'm training to run this event with a few hip movitated friends Matt Beard, Leigh Ann Hunter and Lilian Perez and a few others on November 10 in Perkinson, Mississippi. Our team name? The Ultra-Violent Bath Salt Zombies. A name just in time for Halloween!  Anyone else who is psychotic enough to run on our team with us is welcome to join.  This race is crazy.  So call me, maybe.

So I get to look forward to training hard on the shores of Lake Michigan for the next two weeks or so.  Long runs, sprints, pushups, burpees in the cold weather.  Aaaaaahhhhh!!!!!

That's probably what one might consider a healthy, successful lifestyle.  But I believe in balance in all areas of life...so

I've decided, in the interest of balancing out this healthy, positive person I will be by day, to let loose with "Lord Puddingsworth" during my casino time.  I'm afraid I can't get into who or what exactly Lord Puddingsworth is.  Let's just say he is enough of a remarkably repugnant character to irritate the midwesterners into making financially criminal decisions at the poker table.  Decisions of there's I should profit nicely from.   I'll be stretching out the Halloween freak show all month.  We should have video of this entity by the weekend here or on Youtube.  Stay tuned.

Some of you, before I even announced my trip to Chicago texted me or PM'd me asking about staking me, which I always take as a nice gesture of confidence in me.  Or pure, unadulterated greed on your parts. 

Don't really care to too "sell myself" too much, but just in the interest on lowering my variance, and lessening my buy-ins, I'm doing it again for no markup.  That's the way Lord Puddingsworth rolls.

So I'll only play those events with backer money where I don't have to worry about overlapping days one and two of seperate events in this series

So I'll play six events --1, 2,4, 6, 7, and 10 (the main) --with some backers' money and mostly my own.   All other events will be exclusively mine.  Total buy-ins for those events is $3930 (365 + 580 + 365 + 580 + 365 + 1675).  So let's say an even $40 gets you an exact 1% of all my action in those six events.  And I won't sell more than 35% of myself in these events.

So....the math couldn't be more simple.  Whatever I make...you get 1% of it...if you wish to own a piece of Lord Puddingsworth.  I never charge "markup."  I'm just kind of dumb like that.

Time to get ready for this venture to the Windy City!  Maybe I actually am looking forward to it!  Always great to get away...

Lastly, I want to give my roommate Rachel in the "back" of Chateau Landry my condolences for the loss of her father Rex, who, some of you may remember, was our dealer in the first annual World's Undisputed Poker World Champion of the World Championship back in July.  Rex managed to play while dealing to a really rambunctious bunch of individuals, and somehow, in all the hysteria and confusion, still managed to come in third.  That's a lot to think about at once, and he did an amazing job, having worked as a poker dealer for many years here in the Gulf Coast.  I know it's Rachel's first big loss in her life, and the most meaningful person in the world to her.  Hope she isn't upset I didn't attend her dad's services but I think she understands I'm "funeralled out" after the past couple of years.  Just couldn't take another service.  She's been through enough even before this and I'm proud of her how she keeps rolling with the punches somehow.  She's a tough kid, and what else can I say other than things will start getting better for her.  They will.  They always do. 

Look forward to talking to you guys soon!!!

Lord Puddingsworth

Today's blog was brought to you by Amazon. For the record, I have not read this book. But I hear all the guys are reading it. And if that's the case, I have no problem trying to make 13 cents from anyone clicking the above banner and purchasing the sequel to the bestseller. Actually, truth be told, it's a book for girls, so supposedly there's lots of recipes in there. So, click on the above banner, ladies, make me 13 cents, and learn a good smothered pork dish! Yum!

Wednesday, October 3, 2012

SOMETHING NEW

To all of you who are rightfully complaining that I have not done anything for a long while; you are correct.

This ends this coming week as I take off to Chicago to unveil my new entity -- sprung forth from the chrysallis of madness.

This coming week I shall unleash upon the Windy City...

Lord Sebastian Willoughby Puddingsworth XIII.

Stay tuned, mortals.

Wednesday, July 18, 2012

RESULTS FROM OUR PRELIMINARY SATELLITE FOR THE HUBCAP!!!

Ok, Loyal Voyeurs,

Here we are.  My first attempt at making an iMovie on my Mac...the idea occured to me that I might want to start shooting some footage on my phone as we got down to our final four players in the preliminary satellite for my World's Undisputed World Poker Champion of the World Championship-- Brawl for the Junkyard Hubcap 2012.  The only free-to-enter homegame on the planet with a trophy that dwarfs the Stanley Cup.

So I shot some footage on grainy Super 8 film settings (a cool app, complete with skipping film effect) to give the movie a seedy 70's feel, and some footage on regular setting.  I feel pretty fond of my musical score.  I only wish I had shot more footage!

It's amazing what you can do with a just phone and a laptop these days.

Anyway, congratulations to Tim Barnes, who obviously felt that coming in first warranted excess celebration, even though Dustin Stewart and Rex Davis got an equal seat at the final table in two weeks.  I'm not sure, but I think some people were drinking.

Running a parallel storyline to the inferior poker event going on right now in Las Vegas, known as the "World Series of Poker," Melissa Parker, obviously a female, bubbled the event, just like the females in the WSOP main event -- just missing the final table.  However Melissa has two more shots, just like anyone else, as we will run two more satellites before our championship for the Kaiser trophy on July 29.

Again, if you want in, PM me, and let's all try to make the tournament on time this week, children!

video



Sunday, July 15, 2012

WUPWCW tourney UPDATE

Allright, guys, looks like we're going to be doing only an 8 pm tourney tonight.  Bring lots of booze.  As a reminder this is a preliminary run.  Winners will move on to the final round for the trophy SUNDAY July 29.  There will be 9 winners making the final table.

I must mention that this is a FREE tournament for the hubcap trophy.  No cash involved.  Whatever you guys do outside of here is your own business...

Looks like further good news has just arrived as well!  The owners of http://www.gulfcoastpoker.net/ will be sponsoring our Sunday, July 29 WUPWCW CHAMPIONSHIP FINAL TABLE, giving away a hoodie and a hat and who knows what else as the trophy is presented.

Jennifer Gay of Poker News has volunteered to be writing a feature article about our players and doing a live internet news update stream direct from my living room.  Yes.  That's right.

Any moment now I'm waiting for a jewelry store to sponsor the trophy by embossing it with diamonds.  Let's wait and see.

Let the brawl for the hubcap begin!!!

Saturday, July 14, 2012

"WORLD'S UNDISPUTED POKER WORLD CHAMPION OF THE WORLD" TROPHY UNVEILED!!!

Not to be outdone by the billion dollar WSOP and WPT, I have created the
single greatest trophy in sports history.  Read on, punk.
First off, I'd like to welcome everyone to this blog once again, my regular readers, newcomers, and members of the media.

Today, as you know, is a special day for poker.  It appears that this Sunday will be the day the greatest trophy in the sports world will be put into action.  This Sunday evening (or possibly the next), in my living room, if all plans fall into place, the first annual "Kai Landry Invitational Brawl for the Junkyard Hubcap Deciding the World's Undisputed Poker World Champion of the World Trophy" will be awarded  to, well, quite simply, the world's undisputed poker world champion of the world. 

Right here, right now.

 
This, ladies and gentlemen, is the largest and grandest trophy in all of professional sports.

Forget the WSOP main event going on right now in Las Vegas with their $10,000 buy in and "world championship bracelet."  The fact of the matter is that if you win, there's still 40 or so other guys with a main event bracelet just like yours, and a few thousand people with some WSOP bracelet or EPT bracelet or whatever.  Then there's all the championship poker rings, which are, for the most part less prestegious than a bracelet no matter how much more money you've possibly won with a ring than a bracelet (which happens every now and then).  Enough with the jewelry.  It's just not BIG.  And I think nothing says CHAMPIONSHIP like BIG.

Or maybe this is just me crying "sour grapes" and trying to create my own reality since this is the first year in four years I've not played in the WSOP in the dry, crippling Las Vegas heat taking a shot at a bracelet.  I just simply could not make it out this year.  Sigh.  Looking at WSOP.com day after day after day on my computer screen, seeing all the familiar names, knowing all the intimate idiosyncracies on each competitor's play, knowing I could maybe, just maybe this year snag that elusive bracelet...

And as I write this I see that my Biloxi friend Claudia Crawford has sadly busted out of the main, and that only 281 people stand between my good friend Will Souther and poker immortality ($8.5 million).   Day 5 of the WSOP is today (Saturday) and with any luck we'll be watching him in my living room Sunday night on ESPN as we play our consolidation event...or as I'll stubbornly call it, "the real event."  By the way, Monkey, nice year to run like a Kenyan when I don't own 40% of you like last year!  UGH!!!

The truth is I've been MISERABLE not getting to see my Vegas friends this year, and jealous of those who DID get to go.  And I've learned with a bit of maturity that any form of jealousy is ultimately a form of selfishness.  The only way to cure jealousy is to do something completely unselfish for others.  And what can I say...because to cure it, I have now personally forged the greatest trophy in professional sports known to man, and given freely to one lucky person - the winner of my home tournament.  The trophy will be unveiled to you all very shortly.

Now on to the tournament this Sunday.  Hell, I'm not even sure how to proceed with it.  I'll be dealing and not playing, but due to people's fickle nature, I'm never sure who's going to show up.  This is an invitation only event, but if you are interested in playing, private message me.  I cannot promise everyone a seat and Sunday may be just a preliminary event.  I have a certain number of people in mind, but we will see how much interest I get throughout the day and I will decide how to procede from there.

You want to see the trophy don't you?  I know you do.  It's killing you. 

Just hold on for a moment as we take a trip down inferior trophy lane, representing all major championship trophies in the major sports, starting with...

#1: The Lombardi trophy.  Arguably the most sought after trophy in sports.  22 inches high, and only 7 pounds.  With a little creativity, you could maybe shoplift one in a big enough overcoat and someone causing a distraction.  Nice shiny Tiffany crystal, but gets full of fingerprints and never looks nice.  Actually, kind of plain.
I always forget who won this event, So I often ask my friends in Atlanta to help me remember...
#2:  WSOP bracelets and the HORSE trophy.



Chip Reese's honorary trophy stands a Lombardi-like 21 inches high.  It sports some weight though at 60 pounds.  I give this trophy pretty high marks, but it's not even HALF the size of the new great trophy.  The WSOP bracelet?  We've already covered this topic, but additionally, what poker player wants to wear a bracelet that looks like it was designed in Liberace's most fantastic dreams while Sigfried magically shot diamonds out of his fingertips perfectly into the gold housing?  Again, yes this is me being all "sour grapes," but you have to admit I'm right here...

#3:  The NBA trophy.
Just UGLY.  Makes me want to puke. Everywhere.  For two or three hours.  Until even my bile supply is totally depleted.  They should give this trophy to the losing team.  Who, should try to mop up my puke with the trophy.  Until it gets done and the floor is SPOTLESS.

#4.  the Comissioner's Trophy (baseball)
Ok.  You've seen it. Next.  (It has no real competitive value when one team is allowed to pretty much buy almost all of them year after year after year).

#5   The Stanley Cup. 
Now we're talking!  A trophy to be respected!
Full Stanley Cup: Height - 89.54 cm / 35-1/4 inchesWeight - 34-1/2 lbs - 15-1/2 kg
If it's dimensions weren't initially identified by the metric system I could give it more respect.  In the United States, we don't use the metric system, chief.  Damn nice trophy though!  In fact, it earns a strong second place in the world of trophies.  Shiny, engraved with the names of former winners (classy), and it looks like you could kill someone with it if you tried hard enough (always a plus).  But it's JUST NOT BIG ENOUGH!!!!!!!






#6  lastly and sadly -- The BCS Crystal trophy.

Look.  It's a great piece, looks first class, but the damn thing is slippery as hell, clearly giving an advantage to the worst team last year (Alabama).  It's major flaw is that it causes a handicap for the clearly superior team from time to time, as it did last year.  That's my story, and I'm sticking to it.


But now the moment you've all been waiting for.  This next trophy was forged in rust, blood, sweat and tears.  It is more sacred in it's amazing craftsmanship and more revered, precious and valuable than a Stradivarius wrapped in the Shroud of Turin.

In fact, it's not even fair to compare this trophy to other trophies.  It only makes sense to put this glorious piece of craftsmanship in the same discussion with holy relics such as the Ark of the Covenant.  Does my trophy have otherworldly powers, and can it melt the faces of your enemies?  I don't know yet.  It's only been on the Earth for a couple of days now.  Winner beware.

LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, I GIVE YOU:  THE KAISER

A genuine Vancleve, Misissippi junkyard hubcap surrounded by four winged eagles bowing towards each other.   The rusted hubcap is placed upon a sturdy, majestic four column trophy base with really cool stars shooting up out of the middle and stuff.  The trophy stands a towering 46" high. 





A sexy profile shot.  Respect.



The Kaiser rusted hubcap trophy dwarfs a stardard WPT event crystal trophy and almost takes up the entire table.  It could eat that little trophy it if it were hungry.

As you know, the inscriber kind of got it a little bit wrong (it should have read "Worlds undisputed world poker champion of the world), but we will fix that when we also add the name of the event's winner and date at it's base after this Sunday.  But let's face it.  If the WSOP and the WPT and any other league can claim to have THE world champion...so can I.  So if you win this trophy, you are the poker champion of the world.



It has a rusted out fleur-de-lis, so you know it's a classy item, baby!



I will decide by the end of tonight how to proceed with Sunday's tournament.  It would be fun to deal to you guys as you "brawl it out" as all we watch the WSOP finals on TV this Sunday. If it will just be a preliminary, or with enough interest, we'll keep entrants going for a few weeks.  If you're interested, chances are I will let you play.  But I can't promise you. 

Message me if you want to play this Sunday (it's free), and good luck!   I'd love to deal to you and watch you win this thing!  May the hubcap be with you!

Kai

P.S. In a nutshell, the hubcap trophy, as we're playing each other and watching the WSOP main event wind down on TV, is a "festivus for the rest of us."  A trophy for those of us who couldn't make it to the big show this year.

P.P.S.  You might be asking yourself right about now, "Why a rusty old hubcap?..."

Saturday, May 19, 2012

No day 3 for me in the main event.

Just 96 more people to fade in a ginormous event, but me having AK and 7 laps of chips left and the other guy having AA and a fat stack meant it was just not my day. 

I will resist all temptation to post here the emotiocon of a colon followed by an opening parenthesis.

That or the F word.













saturdae

cinse thee blogs are getting smaler i feel like their getting dummer.  i made dae too.  30000 in chips.  i re start at too oklok.