SUNDAYS, EVERYONE? ONLY FIFTY LEFT!

So I ran into the consistently obnoxious, loud and foul-mouthed owners of our website (GulfCoastPoker.NET) this evening (Bill Phillips and Gene Dudek) at the Beau Rivage in Biloxi.  I'm sure most of you know these guys, so I'm sure you'll know exaclty what I'm talking about when I say this...

After having to endure their never-ending barrage of dead hooker jokes, Penn State jokes, and limericks set in "Nantucket." I managed to squeeze in a few words of my own...barely.  You know these typical guys, right?  The ones who leave the frat house...but it never really leaves them.  The ones who keep slapping you on the back, belching, and asking you if you want a beer...only to be distracted by ANY woman who walks in the room to look her over from toenail to hair-do?

I mean...it's not so much that these guys offend my deep Christian sensibilities as it is that they're so damn childish.

Anyway, inbetween the one about Michael Jackson's proctologist and the one about Little Bo Peep's unwanted pregnancy (I've worded that more delicately than they did) ...I told them both how I "resolved" to churn out more blogs for them this year.  Even if it's just fifteen or so. I enjoy writing, and feel like I need to hit the ground much harder than I did with things I believe I have a knack for, poker being one of them.  To really leave a strong impression in 2012.  To write more often ...to read and play poker much more consistently...how I need to take things more seriously once again and use...

Once again, Gene's just pretending to listen to me, but then interrupts me to ask me to "pull his finger."

I indulge him.  Yes, Gene... I can tell you had Arby's for dinner.  How fascinating.

I tell them how I enjoy writing and have these ideas for a couple of BOOKS I'd like to write.  One about a serial murder with a heart of gold who spends all his spare time at Wal-Mart.  One about an old widower's personal spiritual quest.  One dark comedy about a union organizer in a sewerage plant where the workers are filthy, and the pay gets worse.

Bill decides to cut me off here with another unrequested "comment."  No, Bill.  That's not what santorum really means.  Show some respect to the man.  He just placed second in Iowa.

I look over my right shoulder and see Gene is shooting three Jaeger-bombs in the time it takes most people to sneeze and asking everyone if they know who the "player of the series" was at the IP just recently.  And how that guy "don't take **** from nobody."  Thankfully, most of the room goes unbothered.  Even when he raises his right hand and does "the shocker" as his little victory move.  "THE SHOCKAAAAHHHH!!  YEAH BOOOYYYYYEEEE...."  Suddenly, Gene falls over quickly and awkwardly on an empty table fifty-one, really hard, and right on his left side.  It looks like it hurt like hell.  From this angle, it looks almost looks like he intentionally head-butted the poker table at full speed with the left side of his face.  He gets up really quick and tries to act cool.  Once again, he raises his right-shocker-hand in victory to the "delight" of the crowd. "shockaaahhh" he just kind of whispers this time.

But I guess this boorish "who cares how I behave, the money's always gonna keep pouring in!" kind of attitude is what we can expect to exist when a couple of guys like Bill and Gene make it big with an incredibly successful poker news site like GCP.NET.  That's life.

I start telling Bill, the possibly more sober of the two -- as if that word could ever apply to them -- about how I want to find a serious backer this year.  How I've got a goal to even write a poker book with a situational quiz format.  How...

His eyes glaze over.  He's looking right through me like I'm made of glass.  But right when I think he's mentally gliding over the foggy methane surface of Mars, he aggressively grabs my shirt and shakes me with a viscious sneer on his face and a deranged, yet totally zen look in his eyes.  "Sundays," he says.  "You gotta spill your nasty little verbal gumbo out on my site every Sunday."

Bill throws up a little in his mouth.  And then...it disappears back where it came from.

"If you write one day a week, even if you don't ....  have no material or nothin'....even stupid stuff...on a set day of the week....you really can increase your readership.  People like that set day stuff.  Givess 'em shomething to look forward to."

Hmmmm.  From the mouths of children... pearls of wisdom.  Amazing.

"How bout that, Lumpy (Bill calls me Lumpy for reasons NO ONE understands), you want Sumday?  How bout Shhunday?

Sounds pretty good.

Let's do it.  After all, according to the Mayans, we've only got fifty Sundays left.  I mean, why should I not take serious calendar and self-burial planning advice from a virtually extinct Indian tribe who practiced human sacrifice on their own people and had not yet stumbled upon big technological marvels...like the wheel?  Couldn't be any worse than believing Bill...who I just took advice from.  Could it?  Let's assume both Bill and the Mayas are right, so I'll churn out 50 blogs, one each Sunday, for you people, until December 21, 2012.

I wound up hanging out with these two buffoons for the next half hour exchanging stories.  I'm thinking Gene really hurt his spleen from that fall and should seek medical attention, but, hey, who died and made me Dr. Schweitzer, right?!  I just walk him over to his car and watch him drive off.  He'll probably be ok.  Whatever.

But, hey.  It's simple politics.  If you want to keep having cyber realty space to print your blather on, you yuck it up with these owner / editors.  Pretend you like them.  Laugh at their jokes.  Slap their backs. Take an occasional Jaegarbomb.  And then get to writing.  In the big picture I have planned out for 2012, with my personal goals, those dudes are just speedbumps along the way.  I'm all cleared and now I got talked into doing 50 blogs for you people.  YOU'RE WELCOME!

2011 was such a year of "almost" for me in every single way.  Almost scored big here, almost got a ring there, almost got my first WSOP bracelet there, almost...well, some of these "almosts" are too scandalous to tell.  Sorry.  But 2012 will not be an "almost" year.  I can feel it coming.  And I'm feeling determined again to leave a lot of "almosts" behind me.

So from now on, Kai's blog will come out every Sunday night on GCP.NET.   And yeah, I think I can churn out 50.  And hey, Gene and Bill, let's change the name of this thing back to "You're Entering a World of Pain."

Well there's a Shocker!!!


Next Sunday:  The Viking Auctioneer and Self-Composure