![]() |
Not to be outdone by the billion dollar WSOP and WPT, I have created the
single greatest trophy in sports history. Read on, punk. |
First off, I'd like to welcome everyone to this blog once again, my regular readers, newcomers, and members of the media.
Today, as you know, is a special day for poker. It appears that this Sunday will be the day the greatest trophy in the sports world will be put into action. This Sunday evening (or possibly the next), in my living room, if all plans fall into place, the first annual
"Kai Landry Invitational Brawl for the Junkyard Hubcap Deciding the World's Undisputed Poker World Champion of the World Trophy" will be awarded to, well, quite simply, the world's undisputed poker world champion of the world.
![]() |
| Right here, right now. |
This, ladies and gentlemen, is the largest and grandest trophy in all of professional sports.
Forget the WSOP main event going on right now in Las Vegas with their $10,000 buy in and "world championship bracelet." The fact of the matter is that if you win, there's still 40 or so other guys with a main event bracelet just like yours, and a few thousand people with some WSOP bracelet or EPT bracelet or whatever. Then there's all the championship poker rings, which are, for the most part less prestegious than a bracelet no matter how much more money you've possibly won with a ring than a bracelet (which happens every now and then). Enough with the jewelry. It's just not BIG. And I think nothing says CHAMPIONSHIP like BIG.
Or maybe this is just me crying "sour grapes" and trying to create my own reality since this is the first year in four years I've not played in the WSOP in the dry, crippling Las Vegas heat taking a shot at a bracelet. I just simply could not make it out this year. Sigh. Looking at WSOP.com day after day after day on my computer screen, seeing all the familiar names, knowing all the intimate idiosyncracies on each competitor's play, knowing I could maybe, just maybe this year snag that elusive bracelet...
And as I write this I see that my Biloxi friend Claudia Crawford has sadly busted out of the main, and that only 281 people stand between my good friend Will Souther and poker immortality ($8.5 million). Day 5 of the WSOP is today (Saturday) and with any luck we'll be watching him in my living room Sunday night on ESPN as we play our consolidation event...or as I'll stubbornly call it, "the real event." By the way, Monkey, nice year to run like a Kenyan when I don't own 40% of you like last year! UGH!!!
The truth is I've been MISERABLE not getting to see my Vegas friends this year, and jealous of those who DID get to go. And I've learned with a bit of maturity that any form of jealousy is ultimately a form of selfishness. The only way to cure jealousy is to do something completely unselfish for others. And what can I say...because to cure it, I have now personally forged the greatest trophy in professional sports known to man, and given freely to one lucky person - the winner of my home tournament. The trophy will be unveiled to you all very shortly.
Now on to the tournament this Sunday. Hell, I'm not even sure how to proceed with it. I'll be dealing and not playing, but due to people's fickle nature, I'm never sure who's going to show up. This is an invitation only event, but if you are interested in playing, private message me. I cannot promise everyone a seat and Sunday may be just a preliminary event. I have a certain number of people in mind, but we will see how much interest I get throughout the day and I will decide how to procede from there.
You want to see the trophy don't you? I know you do. It's killing you.
Just hold on for a moment as we take a trip down inferior trophy lane, representing all major championship trophies in the major sports, starting with...
#1: The Lombardi trophy. Arguably the most sought after trophy in sports. 22 inches high, and only 7 pounds. With a little creativity, you could maybe shoplift one in a big enough overcoat and someone causing a distraction. Nice shiny Tiffany crystal, but gets full of fingerprints and never looks nice. Actually, kind of plain.
![]() |
| I always forget who won this event, So I often ask my friends in Atlanta to help me remember... |
#2: WSOP bracelets and the HORSE trophy.
Chip Reese's honorary trophy stands a Lombardi-like 21 inches high. It sports some weight though at 60 pounds. I give this trophy pretty high marks, but it's not even HALF the size of the new great trophy. The WSOP bracelet? We've already covered this topic, but additionally, what poker player wants to wear a bracelet that looks like it was designed in Liberace's most fantastic dreams while Sigfried magically shot diamonds out of his fingertips perfectly into the gold housing? Again, yes this is me being all "sour grapes," but you have to admit I'm right here...
#3: The NBA trophy.
Just UGLY. Makes me want to puke. Everywhere. For two or three hours. Until even my bile supply is totally depleted. They should give this trophy to the losing team. Who, should try to mop up my puke with the trophy. Until it gets done and the floor is SPOTLESS.
#4. the Comissioner's Trophy (baseball)
Ok. You've seen it. Next. (It has no real competitive value when one team is allowed to pretty much buy almost all of them year after year after year).
#5 The Stanley Cup.
Now we're talking! A trophy to be respected!
Full Stanley Cup: Height - 89.54 cm / 35-1/4 inchesWeight - 34-1/2 lbs - 15-1/2 kg
If it's dimensions weren't initially identified by the metric system I could give it more respect. In the United States, we don't use the metric system, chief. Damn nice trophy though! In fact, it earns a strong second place in the world of trophies. Shiny, engraved with the names of former winners (classy), and it looks like you could kill someone with it if you tried hard enough (always a plus). But it's JUST NOT BIG ENOUGH!!!!!!!
#6 lastly and sadly -- The BCS Crystal trophy.
Look. It's a great piece, looks first class, but the damn thing is slippery as hell, clearly giving an advantage to the worst team last year (Alabama). It's major flaw is that it causes a handicap for the clearly superior team from time to time, as it did last year. That's my story, and I'm sticking to it.
But now the moment you've all been waiting for. This next trophy was forged in rust, blood, sweat and tears. It is more sacred in it's amazing craftsmanship and more revered, precious and valuable than a Stradivarius wrapped in the Shroud of Turin.
In fact, it's not even fair to compare this trophy to other trophies. It only makes sense to put this glorious piece of craftsmanship in the same discussion with holy relics such as the Ark of the Covenant. Does my trophy have otherworldly powers, and can it melt the faces of your enemies? I don't know yet. It's only been on the Earth for a couple of days now. Winner beware.
LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, I GIVE YOU: THE KAISER
A genuine Vancleve, Misissippi junkyard hubcap surrounded by four winged eagles bowing towards each other. The rusted hubcap is placed upon a sturdy, majestic four column trophy base with really cool stars shooting up out of the middle and stuff. The trophy stands a towering 46" high.
![]() |
| A sexy profile shot. Respect. |
|
The Kaiser rusted hubcap trophy dwarfs a stardard WPT event crystal trophy and almost takes up the entire table. It could eat that little trophy it if it were hungry.
As you know, the inscriber kind of got it a little bit wrong (it should have read "Worlds undisputed world poker champion of the world), but we will fix that when we also add the name of the event's winner and date at it's base after this Sunday. But let's face it. If the WSOP and the WPT and any other league can claim to have THE world champion...so can I. So if you win this trophy, you are the poker champion of the world.
|
|
|
| It has a rusted out fleur-de-lis, so you know it's a classy item, baby! |
I will decide by the end of tonight how to proceed with Sunday's tournament. It would be fun to deal to you guys as you "brawl it out" as all we watch the WSOP finals on TV this Sunday. If it will just be a preliminary, or with enough interest, we'll keep entrants going for a few weeks. If you're interested, chances are I will let you play. But I can't promise you.
Message me if you want to play this Sunday (it's free), and good luck! I'd love to deal to you and watch you win this thing! May the hubcap be with you!
Kai
P.S. In a nutshell, the hubcap trophy, as we're playing each other and watching the WSOP main event wind down on TV, is a "festivus for the rest of us." A trophy for those of us who couldn't make it to the big show this year.
P.P.S. You might be asking yourself right about now, "Why a rusty old hubcap?..."
